typical american attitude...

This was a conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in late 1995.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

down with capitalism

Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."

Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"

Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."

That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning he reported to his father.

Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."

Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"

Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of $hit."

despite the cost of living, notice how popular it remains...

do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

how is it possible to have a civil war?

if horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

if lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

if the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

dedicated to boy....who inspired me to do this bs

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers dont fing
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways.

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.